10 ways to know you've found "the one"
Before we begin, I feel I owe you an apology! For I do not believe in the concept of ‘the one’ and so I feel I may have duped you into walking down one path thinking, that I buy into the highly espoused ‘the one’ rhetoric and instead, leading you down, I believe, a much more soul enriching one. Instead of ‘the one’, I believe there are multiple ‘ones’ out there for us. Each one, if we are courageous enough to go and find, or just serendipitously happen across, can sprout a unique and powerful connection with another soul. This, to me, feels like a much more optimistic, likely and bright future.
So many of us are searching for ‘the one’. We are given indulgent and lofty ideas from rom-coms about what love should be and how we should feel when we are in it. Grandiose statements such as, ‘you complete me’ set us up to, ‘fall’ in love. When one is falling, there is exhilaration and excitement but no stability or real lifeness about it. If the inception of the expectations of our ideal partner are from movies, love songs and the money driven media, then it is likely that most of our aspiring partners to be will be found wanting. Often what a whole tribe or community would offer us, we now look, unfairly, to our partner for. Maybe stepping into love with our eyes wide open to what a real life relationship might be and the expectations of which we hold our partner to could help create a longer lasting and enriching life with someone?
I for sure had fallen into the trap of the former mentality, falling in love with eyes closed and trusting Hollywood and the media. This was a delusion and brought me only dissatisfaction and romantic frustrations. By opening my eyes wide and looking for the below wholesome, realistic and deeply life nourishing traits, I have my sights firmly set on what is real and not a movie. So a final offering to you the reader, is to ask yourself this; do I offer these characteristics for my partner also? At a younger age I most certainly didn’t and had to make an integral shift in who I was. I myself had to make sure I embodied all the characteristic below first before I could set out on the much travelled journey to find and convince ‘my one’ that I was ‘their one’.
1. They prioritise you and your relationship above work and other commitments.
They choose you as their top priority each day. This does not mean that they neglect looking after themselves, be it work, physical and mental wellbeing or family and friendship, but they do put you as the forefront of their commitment. You both continually communicate on what is best for both of you and although their personal aspirations have great value they do not supersede the stability and significance of your relationship.
2. You can be your real self with them!
You don’t have to be someone else when you are with them. Being with them is akin to arriving home, taking off your coat and relaxing on the couch in your comfy attire! In the same vein they are able to do the same when with you. You are each others safe place!
3. They are self-aware!
You are not Tom Cruise and they are not Renee Zellweger. You do not complete them! Nor they you! They are fully aware that they hold their own fulfilment and happiness in the palm of their hand. They will be accountable for any work they need to do on themselves and in a kind, calm and curious way, hold you accountable for your baggage.
4. There is trust!
Trust has nuances and layers. There are different levels. Your partner will get to the top level of the trust game. Over time they will prove to you that they show up for you when needed. With words and actions they follow through on a daily basis and build a deep foundation of trust.
5. When they are with you they are with you!
They are present and in the moment with you. When you have put time to spend together, the phone is automatically switched to aeroplane mode and you become the focal point of their attention. This is not a begrudging task for them but an enjoyment of who you are.
6. You’ll problem solve not argue!
You share many of the same core values in life around money, bringing up children, work life balance, maintaining physical and mental health, however, you are able to disagree on the nuances of various life phenomena. You can both agree to disagree and don’t see it as a personal attack on who you are. Instead of trying to win the argument, you are in fact having a conversation about how to solve a current problem with the mutual goal to live a more enriching life with one another.
7. They believe in you!
They will be your biggest cheerleader! Your partner will appreciate and value that you have dreams and something you wish to strive for. They won’t take over or do all the work for you but instead be a support and sturdy platform from which you can launch yourself towards self-actualisation through your journey towards what you want. Having said this they will not placate or pander to your ego. Instead they will show you true love and respect by offering you loving constructive feedback and being real with you if they feel you may not be doing what is true to yourself.
8. You don’t need toys or people!
The connection between you both is all you need. You can sit in silence at times, you can have in-depth chats for hours and just be silly sausages together! You don’t need a fancy meal, a loud club, drinks or other people to make the time fulfilling for you both.
9. You are not surgically attached at the hip!
They will enthusiastically acknowledge that you both can have lives and identities outside of each other. You are not one unified entity surgically attached at the hip! They will enjoy it when you go and spend time with your friends on your own, go to that dance class, maybe just have some time to yourself to reconnect with you.
10. They know their own self-worth!
They want you to continue to experience your life and will not put you in a cage built from their own insecurities. Having a strong and full sense of their own worth, they will not worry if you have friends of the opposite sex, are still friends with an ex or want to pose nude for an art class just for a laugh! They are content in the knowledge that you choose them each day and if you do mess up they are strong enough to work through it or to let you go. They are able to stay vulnerable and understand that they will survive whatever weather comes their way.
The Bonus Tip! Core Values!
My wise Dad always advised me to find a partner that had most of the same core life values as myself. When you find the right person, they will have similar views on what family, money, freedom, sex, health, education, life balance, being a parent and so on should look like. If they have most of them in the same ball park as you then the sewing of the seeds of your life together will be much easier and bear much sweeter, more nourishing fruit. It is important to note that values are not the same as interests and so they may not have all the same interests as you. If they purely love your company enough and don’t know, for example, much about food, you can have the wonderful pleasure and honour of being a guide for them in a whole new world they may not have experienced without you!